Happiness is a Luxury

The birthday celebration finally over. I'm back to my normal self(well it depends though on what is your definition of normal). I got rid of my salmon colored nails and painted it light blue.

It's Monday back to work again(if you call going to the office surfing the net work [i am not lazy I just don't have tasks yet]). It was a very interesting week. Almost everyday the past week everyone at the office kept on greeting me happy birthday. I really did not want to celebrate my birthday since I have been in the dumps lately (and some people think it's karma). I even wanted to skip work that day. I guess I was on the road to feeling ok again (maybe the chocolates worked). I went to work. Brought siopao. I had dinner with K. Treated K's friends with coffee. Went to the beach with officemates.

My spirits were soaring Saturday night and my worries seems miles away when someone had to pop my bubble. When everything seems ok I cried myself to sleep. I still awful about my predicament with a long lost friend. I know we are ok...I don't even know if ever we will be okay again. I do pray for her. May she find inner happiness.

Sunday, I had lomo pictures developed and watched the Golden Compass with my sister. The place where i had my pictures printed thought that was something wrong with their printer! I found it funny but I got irritated though with saleslady. They didn't get to print everything (it was underexposed, I'm still experimenting on the lighting conditions) but 19 prints is already very good. Half of what I took but thats ok.

These week I will finally get my computer upgraded. Hopefully I will have progress on my Project 25. I will also take more lomo pictures. This time ill be very mindful of my lighting.

So far my Monday is good.

*i had two offers to work abroad. One for Qatar and the other Brunei. I'm turning down those offers because 1. the salary is really not that high enough and 2. the salary offer is STILL not high enough..hehehe NO DEAL! :P

it quarter to 3 a.m. I still awake.

My conversations with K are still echoing in my head.

K has helped me over come my depression and you know how? By not being there for me. I know it does not make sense. In the past I have been struggling with what seems an innate sadness. A lot of people has tried to help me. Instead in the end i just drove them away. I though that the cure for this sadness was unmatched love. It did not work. The more they showed their love, their sacrifices and their willingness to be there for it just made me more in denial. Their love feed my depression. I became addicted to being weak because they were there to fix my pain.

K never entertained my sadness. I was left alone but I was forced to face my fears. Tears had no longer meaning since I had no audience. I was sad and angry at K at first. I didn't know if he really wanted me or is he just using me. I got tired of all my bullshit. I learn not blame the world for unhappiness. I learned to keep silent and listen to my heart. All my fears, anxieties and my sorrow slowly stopped filling me head. Now I am learning to get to know myself.

This is not an over night process. I'm not still completely ok. But somehow I learned to be thankful of everything. I learned to make myself happy. I am more comfortable of who I am.

I have a long way to go but somehow I am in the right path.

I can't tell what the future holds for me and K. I stopped analyzing everything. I stopped expecting anything. For each day that I am alive I am thankful. I have my bad days at least now its tolerable.

With no task and nothing else to do I made updates of my accounts in

coroflot
cpluv

I aslo uploaded photos in my friendster.

With two months till the end of the year I must finish the following

1. Update my resume and portfolio

even though I am not planning of applying somewhere else one must still be ready when the need arises!

2. Make a storyboard and a working schedule for my 3d project

this is long over due but better late that never


3. Have a Plan A Plan B...Plan N for the my next year

One should not be comfortable and contented in order to attain more in life

A friend of mine said to me that I must focus on one thing first before I move to another one. I know I have learned all this disciplines and not really mastered one but I am still trying out everything so that I will know what would suit me.

Disciplines that I have learned so far

Basic HTML and CSS
I am not really good at it yet...It's really a challenge for me! I want to give up any second but graphic artists today need to be knowledgeable in web
Photography
It's been a while since i dappled with this but I find it useful to integrate in my art. I'm not planning on making a living out of it.
Photo Manipulation
Im not a beginner but I am not also an expert. This is very useful for me though.
Vector Art
I find this art form very interesting. I 'm planning to integrate with other discipline
Layout
I do this for a living. Wish I could do more creative layouts
Fashion Design
its a hobby
Traditional arts (painting, drawing, etc.)
I can never let go of this. Even though digital is in demand but still Old school is better!
3d
This is very hard to master but I think the results are worth it
Motion Graphics
This is what I really want to do but with every thing I can not focus on this

I want to create a distinct style or art form that when one can easily identify. That is why I'm trying to learn everything to create something new! (ambisyosa!)

"it started out as a very fine day. I felt happy. It's been awhile since i felt that way.

Everything goes ok...well till

K singlehandedly ruined what could have been a fine day.

He brought me back to reality. How I am just pretending.

I have no task I want to go home."

That is my first post of this blog entry. A few minutes of trying to hold back the tears (somehow nahimasmasan na) I am going to rewrite this entry.

its true that earlier today i felt really blissful. It was a certain high that i felt like nothing will go wrong or no one could destroy my mood. I even wore yellow and white today. I feel good because I am excited to work again on my 3D project. I got tons of things I want to do. I was inspired. But one has to go to work to earn money (kahit papano). Fortunately I got only a few tasks so I easily finished the task.

Then I thought about K. I thought about how cool his day would have been since He rode a chopper and took aerial shots. Isn't that cool. I'm really proud of K. I even bragged to my officemate the music video he did for Fr. Alejo. I love listening to his stories of his work. He sounds so adult and in authority (Rawr). But last time i think he got pissed off at me because I text messaged him while he had a dinner meeting with the Mayor (Malay ko ba!). So at first I was hesitant to text message him. Since I want to share my happiness with him I bravely sent him a message. After exchange of pleasantries I learned that he is online. Because I really wanted to tell him how I am happy I am today I sent him a message through YM.

maybe he is busy... He said he will be offline soon. He will take a nap since he will be working again. He said that he does three jobs now video editing, photo coverage and research. Well I felt like he said that I have no time for your happy crappy shit. Let me be I'm busy. All of my happiness popped like a toy balloon. He is a very helpful guy. I have heard stories how he helps other people. How he gave them advice, how he was there for people who needed him. But he can never be there for me. He made it clear to me.

I feel like an outsider with him. He has this thick wall. All I could do is peek inside. I want to step inside that wall. I wish I am his barkada so I won't feel being left out most of the time.

I know I am holding on to something that is not there in the first place. So I know I cannot expect anything from him.

But he is perfect for me. Unattached, Career oriented, and an artist in his own right. I don't need a serious relationship right now. He is what I wished for a guy who is not so attached to me that one day if I have to leave it will not matter to him.

So I will make this resolution so that i will feel bad any longer. I will find happiness alone. I will focus on my career so that I will not think about him. I must find some cute good looking guy for a distraction...hehehe joke. I want to say in the end of the day I am happy not because of someone but because I solely earned my happiness. Right now I feel better.

Maybe I just needed to unload what I feel. hehehehe

K if ever you get to read this I want to say to you...even though you have a cool job, you have a hot career and friends you can hang around with I am still MUCH PRETTIER THAN YOU! hahaha joke. Basta darating din ang araw mamimis mo ako. hehehehehe :P

black nails and dark ribbons
cracked lips and tear dry eyes
when i woke up you are not there
a memory faded amongst the dust
a hundred what if's
and lifetime later
broken dreams
tormented souls
an unfulfilled promise
what have I become
a little prayer
a small wish
lay me to rest
one day
my days will be filled
my path will be blessed
some one will look me in the eye
with out saying anything
understood what is true in heart

I am always perceived as this Emotional freak.

When I get mad its emo, when I gush over cool art its emo, when I don't talk and just enjoy the silence its emo....

I know compared to other people I have a little bit sadness always looming over me.

I am this indifferent, detached and antisocial person that most of the time gets lost in a crowd.

I wish just maybe one they will stop judging me and pretending to know me.

sigh...

Can you just leave me alone in my darkness.

One month to go till my birthday. I am going to be 25 and when I look at my life I am still freaking dependent. My career is still on a very very slow pace. I do not have triumphs to celebrate.

I don't own a cell phone. I have lesser friends. My so called love life is almost over.

So why do I still want to celebrate my birthday?

Despite my age I am still young. I know I'm still earning less but no one starts at top. If I do my job well one day I will succeed. I do enjoy my work and I am not really in need of money right now. I know I have lesser friends but those friends I know are my true friends...but still I have to work on my social skills. hehehe. I am also at peace with my family. Somehow I am more open to my parents and I am there for my sister (sniff, sniff).

I don't have material vanities but right now I am giving importance to essentials. I guess I am really getting older because I see the world in a more positive way. Some people may perceive me as loser but I know I am still cool in my own way. hehehehe

Well about the love life thing..you can never tell. I am not giving up yet. wink wink.

So I will celebrate my birthday.

I am very thankful that I am still alive. I am doing my art even though I don't earn that much. I have my family there for me.

maybe being 25 will be lucky for me!

I am really busy with tasks that I can't seem to write a nice decent blog entry!

I had to face my fears yesterday. I went to check out the results of the Digital Photography contest. Oh well I did not even get to be in the top 20. I was very anxious about it since its my first photography contest. It is been a long time since i entered any contest that i have forgotten that i get so tense with the results at times. hehehe I felt crappy yesterday since an officemate pointed out to me that my piece for the contest is shitty! When I went home I did not want touch the camera ever...but that was yesterday. Now I am challenged! Ok my first contest was crappy but that will not stop me from entering contests.

I am kinda desperate with money earning lately that I am filled with none sense ideas on what to do.

entering contests is one of them....but its a gamble
hmmmm I NEED SIDELINE!!!!!

lots of things to blog but no time to blog.

so maximize blogging time i will write about today

today...

is Ozzie's birthday!
the MICT digital photography contest deadline
my sister's cyst operation
i will meet the new designer Myra
my pilates schedule
meet K

hmmmm