Happiness is a Luxury

Now I'm assigned in the afternoon shift 2 p.m.-10 p.m. I use to love this shift since I don't have to wake up early in the morning but right now I realized this is definitely a crappy shift. I can't go to malls after work since its already ten pm and stores are already closed. To think I REALLY need to go the mall because I NEED to buy something. Going out during break time doesn't do justice.

I got the whole month with this schedule which sucks! The good thing though is I got better schedule with my pilates. I got the hardcore trainers which I definitely need since I have been gaining pounds lately. I cannot understand why because I have my pilates thrice a week, I have started to eat less compared to the holiday season. My father is suggesting that I take CMD thing...hope it will work.

I have not been blogging lately because of my new shift adjustment. I wake up early I try to blog but my mind is blank. I cannot also blog in the office because I have been working on several flash animations lately. I also learned that I got several tasks from my client which he sent directly to my e-mail instead of using the PMS. Somehow I'm excited to work with building a new web site. Hope my crappy HMTL and CSS knowledge would suffice.

I am happy that I can finally have my paypal verified. I have applied an EON unionbank card. Hopefully this will go well and I will finally get what I earned from blogging. I am also happy that somehow my google page rank is 3/10. It is still crap but its not zero! When I also tried to see what my blog is worth it's not zero unlike the first i tried it. You can see it at the left section of my blog.

I have been so lax lately with everything. I have been preoccupied with a boy. Which is good and bad. . .

My mother is super paranoid with me again since she knows I'm clearly dating again (unlike before when I felt like I had a ghost boyfriend). I have been trying to tone down my hanging out with Uly but...what can you do when your in love! Nyahahahaha.

Anyways this is bad. I have not FINISHED my personal project and I have not worked on my art blog. I have not worked on anything related to art. I also misplaced my super sampler which why I am very upset. I have not developed my Diana pictures. I must really pull myself together. It's already February!

The birthday celebration finally over. I'm back to my normal self(well it depends though on what is your definition of normal). I got rid of my salmon colored nails and painted it light blue.

It's Monday back to work again(if you call going to the office surfing the net work [i am not lazy I just don't have tasks yet]). It was a very interesting week. Almost everyday the past week everyone at the office kept on greeting me happy birthday. I really did not want to celebrate my birthday since I have been in the dumps lately (and some people think it's karma). I even wanted to skip work that day. I guess I was on the road to feeling ok again (maybe the chocolates worked). I went to work. Brought siopao. I had dinner with K. Treated K's friends with coffee. Went to the beach with officemates.

My spirits were soaring Saturday night and my worries seems miles away when someone had to pop my bubble. When everything seems ok I cried myself to sleep. I still awful about my predicament with a long lost friend. I know we are ok...I don't even know if ever we will be okay again. I do pray for her. May she find inner happiness.

Sunday, I had lomo pictures developed and watched the Golden Compass with my sister. The place where i had my pictures printed thought that was something wrong with their printer! I found it funny but I got irritated though with saleslady. They didn't get to print everything (it was underexposed, I'm still experimenting on the lighting conditions) but 19 prints is already very good. Half of what I took but thats ok.

These week I will finally get my computer upgraded. Hopefully I will have progress on my Project 25. I will also take more lomo pictures. This time ill be very mindful of my lighting.

So far my Monday is good.

*i had two offers to work abroad. One for Qatar and the other Brunei. I'm turning down those offers because 1. the salary is really not that high enough and 2. the salary offer is STILL not high enough..hehehe NO DEAL! :P

it quarter to 3 a.m. I still awake.

My conversations with K are still echoing in my head.

K has helped me over come my depression and you know how? By not being there for me. I know it does not make sense. In the past I have been struggling with what seems an innate sadness. A lot of people has tried to help me. Instead in the end i just drove them away. I though that the cure for this sadness was unmatched love. It did not work. The more they showed their love, their sacrifices and their willingness to be there for it just made me more in denial. Their love feed my depression. I became addicted to being weak because they were there to fix my pain.

K never entertained my sadness. I was left alone but I was forced to face my fears. Tears had no longer meaning since I had no audience. I was sad and angry at K at first. I didn't know if he really wanted me or is he just using me. I got tired of all my bullshit. I learn not blame the world for unhappiness. I learned to keep silent and listen to my heart. All my fears, anxieties and my sorrow slowly stopped filling me head. Now I am learning to get to know myself.

This is not an over night process. I'm not still completely ok. But somehow I learned to be thankful of everything. I learned to make myself happy. I am more comfortable of who I am.

I have a long way to go but somehow I am in the right path.

I can't tell what the future holds for me and K. I stopped analyzing everything. I stopped expecting anything. For each day that I am alive I am thankful. I have my bad days at least now its tolerable.

I am such an EMO freak. I guess my estrogen levels is high again and its emo season.

Somehow I am a better emo because I produce something with my emo energy.

I have been listening to the OST of the movie Last Kiss. I love the OST. There this song about missing someone that really touches me. At this point I really miss a couple of people.

I miss talking about whatever under the sun with him. I know he is going a lot right now and I am the only one who knows his real pain. It is very hard to fake happiness. I want it to make it right for him since he has fallen hard. Falling in love should a nice experience not a traumatic one. I pray time will heal his wounds and he will become more stronger.

I miss having coffee with him. I miss listening to his stories about cinematography, movies, photography and art. I miss just hanging out at his room watching him work. It is a very very busy time of the year for him. I know he is super pressured that I can't barely talk to him. I still have a hundred of questions to ask him...maybe when he is no longer busy and I have already the courage maybe I will ask him.

I miss my best friend Dodi. I want to talk to him and tell all the gazillion new things with me. I miss hanging out outside my house at 4 am. I miss his wicked laugh and I miss telling him everything. Even my deep dark secrets.

I know I am the cause of my misery when in the first place there should be none. I need someone to talk to. I need to hang out with real people. Instead I am holed in the house alienating everyone.

I know things will be better. I will become busy and I will no longer have time to emo...

Hope that time will come before it's too late. . .

Lately I have been going out less. Some may see it that I live a very anti-social life and some same its like I'm a bum with a job. I tired of trying to be someone I am not. So I will be trying out a new kind of life style.

I won't go into the mountains or lock myself in a very secluded place. I will stay where I am but I will give up a number of things:

-I will no longer watch TV (lately I have been watching less and less...I could even survive a whole day with out it)
-I will no longer be the text addict. I can't give up my phone because something important might come up. I can still be reached but I will stop my unnecessary text messaging.
-I will no longer go out with friends during weekends. Well except they drag me out of the house.

Instead I will focus my art (charing)...

I will read books, I will paint, I will write....
I will try to awaken my imagination. I will definitely need a bucketful of inspiration but I guess I could find it anywhere...if i know how to look.

I know this will be a very ambitious plan but it won't hurt if I try!

Well one thing I can't give up is Blogging. So besides painting I will be working on making my own site. Actually I want to make an Art blog.

I realized that I have been living a shallow life. It was full made-up complications. It was empty and I became the villain of my own movie. I decided that I should be the protagonist. My life would be boring I will be more productive and have positive results.

I pray that God will give me guidance and strength to see this through.

Wish me Luck!

After the events of the past week it made me ponder on my actions. Me and my sister had a long talk. She serves as my make-shift therapist...hehehe. She is the only one who can tell me up front what is wrong with me and I would not get angry at her. Somehow she gives me another perspective of my personality.

This is what I learned about how fucke-up I really am (sorry for the language).

I Do Not want people guessing what I am thinking or what will I do next. I keep my feelings to myself. BUT still I want people understanding me. How could people understand me when do not know what goes in my head and so they should mind reading powers or whatever. BUT THAT IS SUPER FUCKED UP because in the first place I don't want people knowing what I am thinking. I am definitely a walking contradiction!!! tsk tsk tsk

I must resolved this way of thinking. I REALLY want to change but I CANT also change over night. BUT I will take steps into a better me.

I have listed what is wrong with me:

1. I am spoiled brat.

I feel the world revolves around me. I always feel that I must get what I want. I am selfish at times and doesn't think about the feelings of other people.

2. I am so sensitive.

I easily get hurt or be affected by the comments of other people ... especially the one's that are closest to me.

3. Most of the time I keep my thoughts to myself.

I have this fear that I might offend other people. I am afraid to open up.

4. I over analyze everything.

I have a very negative perspective of everything that I always think of the worst when in the first place it is just nothing at all.

5. I am too insecure.

I feel that I am incapable of achieving things that I end up doing nothing at all.

6. And Lastly I always think I know everything about myself.

I am so stubborn and I always think that I know better.


I know there are still other things. For now I will work on these. I know I am too EMOTIONAL. I don't think I just feel this and that...hehehe I am IMPULSIVE. I act out what pops in my head.

Maybe these are the reasons why a certain person thinks I'm psychopath. I asked my sister if I am crazy. She said that she will be the first one to know...and said nope I am not insane (yet?joke).

I cannot erase being an EMO but somehow I found a way to counteract this. Last Friday and yesterday I was on the verge of my typical Emo self. hehehehe I drew something instead. My mind becomes preoccupied and my hands get tired after a while (I used colored pencils...yup back to the traditional when one can really hold on to color). When I draw I think about where will my drawing take me, what colors to use and what would I do afterwards. My mind is filled with ideas about what will I do with my art. So after drawing I feel ok and ready to make more art! hehehehe

So my resolution whenever I am on the verge of an EMO phase I will pick up my pens and colored pencils and doodle away. Maybe someday I could have a one woman exhibit of my own. hehehehe

Sorry all the people I have hurt in the past due to my wrong way of perceiving things. I hope you will give a chance to make up for the mistakes I have done.

Anyways here are the two drawings I did so far.