Happiness is a Luxury

it quarter to 3 a.m. I still awake.

My conversations with K are still echoing in my head.

K has helped me over come my depression and you know how? By not being there for me. I know it does not make sense. In the past I have been struggling with what seems an innate sadness. A lot of people has tried to help me. Instead in the end i just drove them away. I though that the cure for this sadness was unmatched love. It did not work. The more they showed their love, their sacrifices and their willingness to be there for it just made me more in denial. Their love feed my depression. I became addicted to being weak because they were there to fix my pain.

K never entertained my sadness. I was left alone but I was forced to face my fears. Tears had no longer meaning since I had no audience. I was sad and angry at K at first. I didn't know if he really wanted me or is he just using me. I got tired of all my bullshit. I learn not blame the world for unhappiness. I learned to keep silent and listen to my heart. All my fears, anxieties and my sorrow slowly stopped filling me head. Now I am learning to get to know myself.

This is not an over night process. I'm not still completely ok. But somehow I learned to be thankful of everything. I learned to make myself happy. I am more comfortable of who I am.

I have a long way to go but somehow I am in the right path.

I can't tell what the future holds for me and K. I stopped analyzing everything. I stopped expecting anything. For each day that I am alive I am thankful. I have my bad days at least now its tolerable.