Happiness is a Luxury

warning emo post

When I woke up today I still felt numb by the events that happened yesterday. My sister woke me up and asked about the lomo camera. I did not want to wake up. My eyes were still heavy. I know my sister is very excited so I had to talk to her. I pointed out where the lomo cam was. Then I blurted out we broke up. Somehow reality sank in. A dark cloud surfaced and followed me all through out the day.

I know that will be fine but I can't help to be sad today. When I was on my way to work I was listening my ipod I stumbled into a song that somehow reflected what I felt. It was Madonna's The Power of Goodbye.

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

Chorus:

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

Chorus2:

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

Right now I am still trying to figure out what to do next.

K made yesterday very special. He kissed me on my cheek and greeted me happy monthsary. Gave me my early birthday gift, treated me with coffee and pizza...then told me that can't give his commitment because he can't give his time. He broke up with me.

Maybe next month on the 28th I greet him Happy breaksary my non-bf.

After the events of the past week it made me ponder on my actions. Me and my sister had a long talk. She serves as my make-shift therapist...hehehe. She is the only one who can tell me up front what is wrong with me and I would not get angry at her. Somehow she gives me another perspective of my personality.

This is what I learned about how fucke-up I really am (sorry for the language).

I Do Not want people guessing what I am thinking or what will I do next. I keep my feelings to myself. BUT still I want people understanding me. How could people understand me when do not know what goes in my head and so they should mind reading powers or whatever. BUT THAT IS SUPER FUCKED UP because in the first place I don't want people knowing what I am thinking. I am definitely a walking contradiction!!! tsk tsk tsk

I must resolved this way of thinking. I REALLY want to change but I CANT also change over night. BUT I will take steps into a better me.

I have listed what is wrong with me:

1. I am spoiled brat.

I feel the world revolves around me. I always feel that I must get what I want. I am selfish at times and doesn't think about the feelings of other people.

2. I am so sensitive.

I easily get hurt or be affected by the comments of other people ... especially the one's that are closest to me.

3. Most of the time I keep my thoughts to myself.

I have this fear that I might offend other people. I am afraid to open up.

4. I over analyze everything.

I have a very negative perspective of everything that I always think of the worst when in the first place it is just nothing at all.

5. I am too insecure.

I feel that I am incapable of achieving things that I end up doing nothing at all.

6. And Lastly I always think I know everything about myself.

I am so stubborn and I always think that I know better.


I know there are still other things. For now I will work on these. I know I am too EMOTIONAL. I don't think I just feel this and that...hehehe I am IMPULSIVE. I act out what pops in my head.

Maybe these are the reasons why a certain person thinks I'm psychopath. I asked my sister if I am crazy. She said that she will be the first one to know...and said nope I am not insane (yet?joke).

I cannot erase being an EMO but somehow I found a way to counteract this. Last Friday and yesterday I was on the verge of my typical Emo self. hehehehe I drew something instead. My mind becomes preoccupied and my hands get tired after a while (I used colored pencils...yup back to the traditional when one can really hold on to color). When I draw I think about where will my drawing take me, what colors to use and what would I do afterwards. My mind is filled with ideas about what will I do with my art. So after drawing I feel ok and ready to make more art! hehehehe

So my resolution whenever I am on the verge of an EMO phase I will pick up my pens and colored pencils and doodle away. Maybe someday I could have a one woman exhibit of my own. hehehehe

Sorry all the people I have hurt in the past due to my wrong way of perceiving things. I hope you will give a chance to make up for the mistakes I have done.

Anyways here are the two drawings I did so far.