Happiness is a Luxury

I was not feeling well Yesterday so I made another crappy water color watever...

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, Ive gotta tell you what a state Im in
Ive gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in,Ive gotta tell you what a state Im in
Ive gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And Im tired
I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

Warning Sign-Coldplay

2 a.m. This is the song that is playing in my ipod. It makes me think about how i feel about you

Lately I have abandoned a couple of things so that I could focus more on my art.

I have stopped watching tv
seldom use my phone ( i text when i really really need to)
I don't use my watch so i don't have a sense of time
i don't go except when i buy for supplies

I do read more I am halfway through Mortal love, a few chapters of Beloved, a couple of pages of Witch of Portobello and track 1 of the Kafka on the shore audio book. I know you are wondering how i keep up with all the stories i been reading...i also don't how I do it.

I am also watching any dvd i lay my hands on. I am watching House season 2. I had just watched Disturbia, the number 23 and 1408.

I really want to be inspired... for me creativity is lazy when inspiration is not around.

I am relearning my water color skills. Ever since I started taking art lessons I really want to master water color. With all the digital art stuff i have been doing somehow i have forgotten the basics. So I am back to my roots. I have found note worthy water color artists in deviantart

deland-fox


Practice 2 BY Fox by *deland-fox on deviantART

eris-alecto


Geist by ~eris-alecto on deviantART

I am also going back to photography since my latest shots have a nice feedback. right now I don't have a camera so I am just digging through my old photography plates and maybe remember how I did those things.

I love love love zemotion


Forgotten Fairytales by `zemotion on deviantART

Truely inspiring!

Well last thing on my agenda is my growing addiction to blogging. I want to make my own art blog. I am tried of the cliche i have been writing in my personal blog so I want to blog something that really matters. Well Art does matter in my life!

With so much plans I wish I will stop my useless emo shit!!!

I am such an EMO freak. I guess my estrogen levels is high again and its emo season.

Somehow I am a better emo because I produce something with my emo energy.

I have been listening to the OST of the movie Last Kiss. I love the OST. There this song about missing someone that really touches me. At this point I really miss a couple of people.

I miss talking about whatever under the sun with him. I know he is going a lot right now and I am the only one who knows his real pain. It is very hard to fake happiness. I want it to make it right for him since he has fallen hard. Falling in love should a nice experience not a traumatic one. I pray time will heal his wounds and he will become more stronger.

I miss having coffee with him. I miss listening to his stories about cinematography, movies, photography and art. I miss just hanging out at his room watching him work. It is a very very busy time of the year for him. I know he is super pressured that I can't barely talk to him. I still have a hundred of questions to ask him...maybe when he is no longer busy and I have already the courage maybe I will ask him.

I miss my best friend Dodi. I want to talk to him and tell all the gazillion new things with me. I miss hanging out outside my house at 4 am. I miss his wicked laugh and I miss telling him everything. Even my deep dark secrets.

I know I am the cause of my misery when in the first place there should be none. I need someone to talk to. I need to hang out with real people. Instead I am holed in the house alienating everyone.

I know things will be better. I will become busy and I will no longer have time to emo...

Hope that time will come before it's too late. . .

I have been swamped with tasks this past week. I am working on a logo for a certain local jewelry shop . If things will be finalized I would see my design on their sign, their packaging, and everything that they will use their logo. I can't wait.

This is the vector version of the hearts and
arrows or also known as "the perfect cut ".

I am happy that **** ( a client) liked what I did for his newsletter. He is a very picky guy and he is know to the virtual assistant as a nasty very particular kind of guy. I am glad that somehow I got on his good side. Unfortunately He got carried away. I only did the titles and now he wants me to relayout the whole thing. Its 42 pages, 4 hours a day...when will i finish this? You do the math.

sample title that I did

On another note I had just watched 1408 and a part of number 23. 1408 is ok but i like the short story better. It was more creepy. I watched the movie alone at around 1 am but still I slept like a baby. The number 23 on the other hand has an unsettling effect. I have not finished the movie but still I know I its better than 1408. Oh I did try adding up my name and its adds up to 75
(disappointing).

I can't sleep.

I hope sleep will welcome me back to his arms.
I am tired of being awake in this emptiness.
My tears are diluted.

I waited you did not come.

One day when my days will be filled you will no longer see me.

I will disappear.

Lately I have been going out less. Some may see it that I live a very anti-social life and some same its like I'm a bum with a job. I tired of trying to be someone I am not. So I will be trying out a new kind of life style.

I won't go into the mountains or lock myself in a very secluded place. I will stay where I am but I will give up a number of things:

-I will no longer watch TV (lately I have been watching less and less...I could even survive a whole day with out it)
-I will no longer be the text addict. I can't give up my phone because something important might come up. I can still be reached but I will stop my unnecessary text messaging.
-I will no longer go out with friends during weekends. Well except they drag me out of the house.

Instead I will focus my art (charing)...

I will read books, I will paint, I will write....
I will try to awaken my imagination. I will definitely need a bucketful of inspiration but I guess I could find it anywhere...if i know how to look.

I know this will be a very ambitious plan but it won't hurt if I try!

Well one thing I can't give up is Blogging. So besides painting I will be working on making my own site. Actually I want to make an Art blog.

I realized that I have been living a shallow life. It was full made-up complications. It was empty and I became the villain of my own movie. I decided that I should be the protagonist. My life would be boring I will be more productive and have positive results.

I pray that God will give me guidance and strength to see this through.

Wish me Luck!

I can not sleep I needed to send someone a message (since I have no more load). After sending the message I browsed devart. I am happy that I did since I found this Cosplayer from China. I fell in love with her Pictures! I am inspired by her pictures and her art is also very very good! I am kinda a frustrated cosplayer...so looking at cool pictures of cosplayers really brightens my day!

This is Cosplaying all about. There are a lot of wannabes who cosplay but can not pull it off. Sigh For me they are just a waste of cloth! hehehe

Anyways this Cosplayer really rocks!!!



Basara1 by ~ShanHuang on deviantART

Self-revolution by ~ShanHuang on deviantART

ChangHenGe by ~ShanHuang on deviantART

After the events of the past week it made me ponder on my actions. Me and my sister had a long talk. She serves as my make-shift therapist...hehehe. She is the only one who can tell me up front what is wrong with me and I would not get angry at her. Somehow she gives me another perspective of my personality.

This is what I learned about how fucke-up I really am (sorry for the language).

I Do Not want people guessing what I am thinking or what will I do next. I keep my feelings to myself. BUT still I want people understanding me. How could people understand me when do not know what goes in my head and so they should mind reading powers or whatever. BUT THAT IS SUPER FUCKED UP because in the first place I don't want people knowing what I am thinking. I am definitely a walking contradiction!!! tsk tsk tsk

I must resolved this way of thinking. I REALLY want to change but I CANT also change over night. BUT I will take steps into a better me.

I have listed what is wrong with me:

1. I am spoiled brat.

I feel the world revolves around me. I always feel that I must get what I want. I am selfish at times and doesn't think about the feelings of other people.

2. I am so sensitive.

I easily get hurt or be affected by the comments of other people ... especially the one's that are closest to me.

3. Most of the time I keep my thoughts to myself.

I have this fear that I might offend other people. I am afraid to open up.

4. I over analyze everything.

I have a very negative perspective of everything that I always think of the worst when in the first place it is just nothing at all.

5. I am too insecure.

I feel that I am incapable of achieving things that I end up doing nothing at all.

6. And Lastly I always think I know everything about myself.

I am so stubborn and I always think that I know better.


I know there are still other things. For now I will work on these. I know I am too EMOTIONAL. I don't think I just feel this and that...hehehe I am IMPULSIVE. I act out what pops in my head.

Maybe these are the reasons why a certain person thinks I'm psychopath. I asked my sister if I am crazy. She said that she will be the first one to know...and said nope I am not insane (yet?joke).

I cannot erase being an EMO but somehow I found a way to counteract this. Last Friday and yesterday I was on the verge of my typical Emo self. hehehehe I drew something instead. My mind becomes preoccupied and my hands get tired after a while (I used colored pencils...yup back to the traditional when one can really hold on to color). When I draw I think about where will my drawing take me, what colors to use and what would I do afterwards. My mind is filled with ideas about what will I do with my art. So after drawing I feel ok and ready to make more art! hehehehe

So my resolution whenever I am on the verge of an EMO phase I will pick up my pens and colored pencils and doodle away. Maybe someday I could have a one woman exhibit of my own. hehehehe

Sorry all the people I have hurt in the past due to my wrong way of perceiving things. I hope you will give a chance to make up for the mistakes I have done.

Anyways here are the two drawings I did so far.

The past week was definitely a dragging week. I got sick and I was absent for two days.

Yesterday I was in the emo mood again. It was a very crappy day. I was swamped with tasks and i got a fight with a friend. After I cried out everything that bothered me that day I felt better. I drew something in order to take my mind away from things. It worked. I finally felt asleep afterwards.

Today I had my pilates and I was feeling fine. The sad thoughts of yesterday seems very very far away.

Right now...I'm angry but I know I shouldn't be.

Maybe it's better this way to be alone. Fight my being the "emo queen".

It's better to be sad rather than be angry...I do unthinkable stuff when I'm angry.

With no task at hand I am forced to find something else to do. I have a throbbing headache which prevents me from doing something productive like learning something new to broaden my skill set (according to Kuya Kenth). I am stuck at looking at blogs and random sites. I was looking at the Photos at Bugsy's multiply. God, I wish I was a boy. Looking at the photos they seemed to be having fun traveling from one place to another. If ever I do get into the same line of work I think I would definitely have problems with out of town trips. My father would definitely object to that. Sigh.

Last Sunday and Monday I was really upset. When I went to work yesterday someone even said that my eyes were puffy and if I broke up with my boy friend. I weakly smiled. No I did not break up with him (you wish). I was not really in the mood for work so I filed an exit pass. I am not good at making up excuses so I had to consult to my officemates. Somehow their answers coincided. I would say I'm sick. I even researched the net for the right spelling of dysmenorrhea. I just learned that I didn't have work yesterday since its Labor day in the States (and i had to file the damn exit pass and did my best sick acting). So after finally got out of the office I went out with tooot tooot. You know who you are and I don't to mention you. We ate and had a very long chat. I had to assimilate that I was working since my parents don't know that I went out of the office early.

Talking with him made me realize his seniority. hehehe He is definitely a kuya! He gave me talk about me being very emotional at times. I was silent and tried to absorbed all the lessons master toot toot is teaching. hehehehe A friend of mine said that I would be safe when I'm with toot toot. He is not pervert and "Kuya daw talga". Which I discovered that night. Everyday I seem to uncover something new with him. hehehehe

Twelve minutes that is how long I made this blog entry! I should be doing a two hours worth of blog since I have two hours to go till I go home. My head is killing me and this is becoming more none sense.

Ryan: Buruguduystunstugudunstuy
Tino: bratatatatatatatatatat
Ryan: fire in the hole
Tino: gawas ko sa hole!
Ryan: :O
Tino: :@
Ryan: labugan ta na pud ka ug granada ania
Ryan: (ninja)
Tino: ha'!... mulikay ko sa wala ug batuun tka ug denamita... chuk!
Ryan: mudagan na pud ko para labugan ka ania
Tino: hoops... aha wla nimu na ibot ang pin sa granada akong punitun ug ilabay sa imu gidaganan... ania pud
Ryan: mulukso ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... atabay man d i ni aaaaahhhhhhhhhh
Tino: hahaha.. muduul ko dha ug tan-awun nko ang ako bihag....

ayay! ayay!... unsa ning ako natamakan

aah igit....

sooooooooooooooooooooooootttttttttttt

unsa banga.. bhahaha

kani dawata... suuper mega punch

likay bords likay!!!

maunsa kaha ang mahimong gawas sa away sa duha ka mga tao.. Sundi sa sunod na higayon ang dramang nilingaw sa inyo.. "EX-MEN:Ang mga dating lalaki..."

We had a very crappy breakfast that I decided only to eat Guyabano for breakfast then later I ate Guavas for lunch. I said to myself I will be having a strictly fruit diet.

Then came the afternoon. I was attending the 4:30 pm mass when I became hungry. After dinner I was really hungry. We ate at Atonio's since its my sister's birthday. Then my diet came crashing down. I ate not plenty but I ate sizzling seafoods with rice. Then we ordered take out pizza.

So right now I am pigging out with #4 cheese pizza and diet pepsi (at least deit).

hehehehe

I feel so empty.

I know everyday I am losing friends rather earning new ones. I can blame them for abandoning me. I have not been the good friend.

Sigh. So I will be having my weekends to myself.

I must devise a very cunning plan so that I will never be bored on weekends again. Being bored and alone is not a good combination for me. I am my worst nightmare. I can't stand being with myself alone in a room let alone in a house.

I am having a withdrawal syndrome. I was addicted to complicated relationships that right now that I have none I am going through a phase when I am going bonkers by myself!

Yes I know all of this is just drama drama drama.

Hanging out by yourself you must learn how to entertain oneself.

I'm such a loser. Somebody shoot me!