Happiness is a Luxury

It's break up season for me.

Half a month ago I had just broken with my gf for a year and half. Then Last Monday I broke up with my bf for a month. (Okay okay The two relationships at some point overlap). The main reason for break up number one was not because of the other guy but because of my parents. She was suppose to visit me last July but i got postponed because my parents didn't want me hanging out with her. They did not know that we were together. They did not like her because she was a member of the third sex (They did not know that their daughter was also an amphibian [that what we call for dykes, lesbians, vagitarians]). Imagine they did not want me having her as a friend what more for a partner in life. I did love her. But I guess I still love my parents so much more that I let her go. I do terribly miss her bit right now I can no longer contact her. She need to unlearn to love me and move on.

I know I am a bad person because I had another guy while I was still with my gf. The reason having the other guy is so stupid. I can not make excuses for my stupid actions. I know i deserved to be dump because I'm such a cheat. I was so selfish then. I wanted them both in my life. I knew I was boiling myself with my own oil. (Don't worry right now I'm paying for those sins).

I thought I would start something new with the boy friend. He seemed promising. My gf wanted to marry me and I was not ready for a commitment with that magnitude. My fear led me to do stupid things. I know I don't deserve the love of my gf. The guy is younger than I am. I knew it would be years before settle down. I thought I would start something light. He knew about my gf. I also warned him about my devious nature. I though he could handle me.

I was wrong. My gf couldn't handle me (and she was already a very matured person), what could I expect with someone who had just graduated from college. I was his second gf. He really didn't knew how to handle a gf. At first it was fine. But when I broke up with my gf. Maybe having me 100% scared him or something. That things started to become sour. We fought most of the time. He hurt me unintentionally a couple of time. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have fun. He was giving me headaches.

Last Saturday was a turning point. I was at my bf at that time. That I went out with another friend. This friend of mine was kinda courting me. I know here I am again with my stupid actions. I didn't hear from my bf all night. The next day I learned that his cell phone got confiscated again by his parents. I was super guilty since I was out that Saturday. Monday came and I learned from an officemate that he was playing dota till 3 am. I was no longer guilty.
I was even glad that I went out that night.

By Tuesday it was over.

Me: hey
Him: hey
Him: sorry
Me: hey
Me: i really want to talk to u
Me: maski 1 min
Him: ok
Me: nasa bahay na ako nsa jeep na ako
Me: nung dumatng ako
Me: i mean ikaw
Him: huh?
Me: shit sabog na utak ko
Me: sorrry
Him: nasa bahay ka na? nasa jeep ka na?
Me: may cp ka?
Him: yah meron
Him: d ko magets
Me: i mean nasa jeep na ako nung dumating ka na office
Him: ahhh
HIm: d ka pala sinundo?
Me: di ako napasuno
Me: paghapon uwi ko
Me: i uwi alone
Him: ahh
Him: ok

this is the drama started

me: i want to ask u
this once
interested ka ba talaga
ipagpatuloy natin
ating realtionship?
ayoo?
ay
wala nagreply
ok

Him:wait tinawag ako mam thea

Me: ok
anyways read this pag
di ka bz
i really want us to work out
pero
i cant compete
with ur gaming
cant compete
with everything else
maybe im not the righ girl for u
hay
i hate this feeling
ang emo ko na
tapos im home alone
sarap umiyak
maya maya siguro
sa ngayon
i dont know wat to do
na
kasi u say u want me to be happy
pero ngayon
ur the one who is causing me to be sad
kasi
im expecting too much

Him: back

Me: at parang tanga
na
lagi disapoint

Him: and i'm reading all these

Me: eh kung di naman ako masyado expect di naman ako madisapoint di b?
i know its unfair for u kasi i set ang taas ng standards at ur just starting out
i guess pagtumanda ka na
patweetums is not enough na

Him: cguro nga

Me: hay may feeling nga ako
na nagcomputer ka
tapos
nainis
ako
kasi maski i was out i was still waiting
for u

Him: we have different likes and dislikes

Me: tama si
tino
sa yo
i should have
listened to him
ako naman kasi hard headed and i though na di ganun
pero un nga ganun ka talaga
i wanted to prove him wrong
alam mo pinaglalaban talaga ni tino side mo

Me: bata pa nga cguro ako mel to understand things. but there are times na i need to go down my level cguro from ur level.

Me: im such a fool

Him: i don't know i sometimes doesn't understand me
i couldn't give up my childish ways as easy as i thought
i know i'm very selfish

Me: i want to be mad

Him: for not really going up to ur level try things

Me: pero its no use
nu
none sense un
hehehe

Him: to make everything better

Me: you cant make everything better
ur just making it worse

Him: how did i make it worse?

Me: nung sat i was willing
to wait sa yo sa meeting
maski magtanga ako s isand tabi
pero still

Him: but i don't want you to be that

Me: pina uwi mo ako
tapos

Him: i know you.

Me: know me?
u dont

Him: u got moods which i don't understand

Me: if u know me
eh sana

Him: i tried to understand

Me: u have avoided all of this

Him: i could i a know it way from happening

Me: i did want to go home sat

HIm: *if

Me: kasi di pa tayo nag aayos
tapos
nalaman ko pa naglaro ka till 3
tapos i wanted for ur text
ung kay kenth it was a joke
pero nagmumukhang tanga na kasi ako
kaya umalis ako

Him: yeah. i did. because of what you said. goin out with kenth
which after all is true

this part i became furious and insane
Me: it was a god damn joke
ay ayaw ko na
oo na mistake ko
na
im the fucking

Him: yet it wasn't until yesterday that you said it was a joke

Me: cunt
slut i

Him: hey

Me: in this relationship
break na ta
kasi
wag ka na magkipagrelasyon
sa isang puta like me
go one

Him: hey

Me: go on
and hang out with your frieds
i didnt want to end this
pero u leave me no choice
alam mo pinagsisihan ko ang araw ikaw pinili ko
at least maski puppy is in mla she was there for me
ikaw na nandyan
i felt nothing

Him: you still have feelings for puppy even though nakipagbreak ka na..

Me: yung love ko kay puppy
kasi
may pinagsamahan kami
tapos
bilib ako sa tao
kasi maski ngayon
na alm niya na di kami pwede
pero she is still there
kung may kailangan ako
eh ikaw
i have to beg for it

Him: i fresh from all this. all i want is for you to say
not to give hints
i am no good guesser. i knw the feeling pero i don't know what to expect.
you could have said something
nung saturday
hat you want to go
yet you dwell in silence

Me: im so upset
na halos di na ako makakita
dahil sa luha ko

Him: its quite iiritating to guess or think the way you should have

Me: im sorry
im the older one

Him: i know i have no right to be angry
because i'm the guy

Me: im sorry

Him: so i have to make way

Me: this is all my fault

Him: i have to think
i have to have a good guess

Me: dont worry about me

Him: i have to put myself in someone's shoes

Me: maya ill be ok na
or ill try ot be ok
im sorry talaga

Him: and in my playing times

Me: i mentioned his name

Him: childish ways
all i want is that someone to appreciate me
in my habits
in my kagaguhan

Me: ur not gagu
i have known
mas gago na guys

Him: yes i'm thinking and acting like a child
i play games
dwell with computers
i easily get excited sa dota

Me: hay its not that

Him: i am attached to my friends
i don't know

Me: alam mo ba is joe
he was into games
his friends
comics
at i only saw him once a week

Him: it could be nice to at least accompany me or appreciate things i like
ven if it wasn't the things you really like

Me: im sorry talaga

him: i don't know now

Me: im so sorry
sana

Him: its really really punching me sideways

Me: sana di ka nadamay sa shitty life ko

Him: or watever

Me: ur a nice kid

HIm: i guess i just want to enjoy life to the fullest
hanggang meron pa chance

Me: ako din
nu
kaya i dont want to wait

Him: coz sooner or later, i will be supporting my goddamn family
my sister and my brother
its ok to think those are excuses

Me: hay

Him: but i don't care if they are. its my reality

Me: naku
alam mo this is funny

Him: complicated complicated life

Me: kasi

Him: i'm not supposed to be angry or something

Me: i have met people na mas complicated ang life

Him: yet i am

Me: pero ikaw naman nagcomplicate ng life mo

Him: you think so?

Me: yup

Him: life is never really easy

Me: ur thinking too much
tapos
Him: its easy to hide cmplications and let it be sa bahay
kesa dalhin sa labas

Me: ur always hard on ur self

Him: i should be because they want me to be

Me: and it shouldn't be

Him: kahit na sabihin natin, i am the one making my life complicated.
its really nothing since in the first place complicated na man life ko
so oks lang to make it worst

Me: hay i mentioned his name again

Him: wats the difference

Me: alam mo love pa naman kita
and i dont want to add to ur burdens

Him: now i'm full of shit

me: maski it hurts to say goodbye
pero
i need to be happy din
ayaw ko
na lagi mo akong pinapaiyak
ayaw ko bumalik
sa luma ways ko

Him: goodbyes are not really meant to be forever

me: alam mo
gust kita kausapin ng
harap hrapan
para makita mo
gaano mo ako hurt
to tell u things
sa face mo
to look u in the eye

Him: alam ko. i have to face it too

Me: despite everything
di nagsorry
ikaw pa ang galit

Him: na pagkatapos nito, you'll make fun of me na and dstroy me or soemthing
or i don't know

Me: of cors not

HIm: sbayag, nung child pa ako, ive been through it

Me: im not that imature
i wont
do behind ur back
hay mentioned his name again

Him: alam ko mistakes ko toh

Me: u think u have everyone figured out
alam mo naman ako

Him: i guess not from here on

Me: i dont hold grudges

Him: ako rin anman

this part ang tanga tanga ko na
Me: ngayon
nga ok na feeling ko
naiyak ko na
i have forgoten about sat
tapos i have forgiven u na
i hope u will forgive me too
kasi
mistake ko naman din
ung sat
sana i told u

Him: haay

Me: sana i hold on

Him: so friend parin ba kita?
or something?

Me: and tried to make u understand

Him: after all this?

Me: of cors friend mo naman ako
gf mo naman pa rin ako
if u still want to
watever works for u

this part he is the stupid one

Him: but its complicated if ganun da?
dba?
sabi mo?

Me: did i say complicated
i did not
ay complicated
ikaw lang nagsabi nun

Him: but still it is... pinapaiyak kita

me: im willing to give u a chance

Him: i hurt you without knowing

Me: pero if u have
given up
ok lang
im at peace na
kasi
ive said
wats bothering me
kaya its up to u na

Him: whats bothering you is me. ayt?

Me: yup
:)
alam mo
gusto ko sana
wen u look at me
i make u smile
i make u happy

Him: oo naman

Me: at hindi wen u look at me
ur sad
at naawa ka sa akin

Him: haay

Me: nasaan na kaya
ung simple boy
who i fell in love with?
yung insonmiac
na lagi ko kachat
noon
na lagi ako sinasabihan ng jusko

Him: jusko

me: kasi shocked him

Him: hehe

Me: hehehe
who said
wonderful things

Him: iguess pwede ka parin maghang out sa amin nina ares right?
at tin?
alam mo feeling ko restrictions ako ngaun sau...
and i made you make a wrong decision (on puppy and me) and i'm a failure

Me: hay darating din
sa buhay mo
na magets mo rin
ako
if u love someone
di naman sila restrictions
hay sad
u have given up
sige bye
im sorry

Him: hey
I'm sorry

Me: i had made ur life miserable

Him: if i have been a failure
no, honestly, its our relationship that made me think more, realize more, grew more sa 3 relationships that i had

Me: so
ur giving up just as easily?

Him: no i'm not

Me: alam mo prayer kanina

Him: i'm thinking as of now

Me: was about
hope
i had given up hope
pero i gues
may hope naman talaga
as long as buhay
ka pa
sigh
nagiging religous na ako
hahaha
:D

Him: alamo monabasa ko kanina ung status mo
about hope
ngek.. religious?

Me: basta ur still my special someone
watever happens.
:)

Him: i hope d tau war if something is not right
in my decisions
mean. i realize ako ang fault sa life mo ngaun

Me: hahaha
di kaya
everything happens for a reason

Him: ayy naku
d na ako makapagconcentrate sa aking ginagwa
wew

Me: ay distorbo na kita
basta

Him: lumalala nanaman ubo ko
d oi

Me: dont worry
about it na nu
:)

Him: i can't stop worrying nu

Me: its a sin
hehehe
think happy thoughts
:)

Him: naaaa
positive na kaau xa
ako negative na

Me: smile ka naman

Him: naaaa

Me: dyan

Him: baliktad na

Me: hehehe

Him :)
lols

Me: ayan ba

I though at this every thing was ok but still...
Him: its not easy to smile in goodbyes
nu

Me:)

Him: haay

Me: bakit goodbye ba to?

Him: galit ka tlga sa akin ba alam k
heller
d nu

Me: di na kaya

Him: goodbyes is not really goodbyes

Me: so ur dumping me
ha!
Ana ka!
hahaha

Him: aw
kinsa ingon?

Me: sabi mo goodbye

Him: dba u did dumped me kanina pa lang?
hey we're still friends watever happens

Me: well kanina un

Him: i could be here to watch over you parin

Me: pero i didnt

Him: and to stop you from making silly mistakes.

Me: say i dump u
hay
kainis ka man
uy

Him: and of cors you will stop me from my mistakes
ngee

Me: well this is a mistake
hello

Him: pero its not stopped

Me: hatagan na ta ka ug second chance tapos u throw it away

this part i want to strangle him
Him: >_<
kay alam mo, i can't give up man gud may childish ways pa

Me: di ba u want me to tell it to u straight

Him: and second chance... lets try things over

Me: im not asking u to
give up ur childish ways nu
im just asking u to involve me in ur life

Him: i am still thinking alam mo

Me: in ur decisions an

Him: which i tried...
like sinasadya ko baya na sa nc tau kita

Me: and not make me feel like an outsider

Him: para masanay ka sa arcades
and games
hehe

Me: if ever u want to play dota to the wee hours of the morn ok lang
as long as
di ka mapapagalitan ng parents mo

Him: funny thing
haha

Me: kasi nagiging iresponsible ka

Him: i lied last saturday
alam mo yan tlga ang cause of my irresponsible
being*
kac nga... d kaya un papayag
sunod i have no choice
they are so overprotecting

Me: lied to whom?

Him: and i can't help it
paretns

Me: parents ko

Him: about where am i going

Me: strict mad din
i tell lies man
din
pero its near the truth
himu ta deal

this part just shows how immature he is!!!
HIm:naaaa
i suck at deals...
>_<

Me: i wont stop u from u childish ways
pero i will try to make
u learn na maging responsible nu
discipline

Him: hahaha
kaya kaya?

Me: kaya if u are willing
to
like u being always late

Him: pero in some circumstances, i do break it baya

Me: u wasting ur money

Him: >_<
child pa man gud ko

Me: ok

Him: nah... yan baya cnasabi nila sa akin
parents ko

Me: if u say so
i rest my case
i am trying na gyud
pero wala
still

Him: but to think, its better to spend my money in games and stuffs i enjoy than drugs and bad things

Me: hahay

Him: i really appreciate gyud baya mel

Me: apreciate wat?

Him: pero lisod gyud basta bata
trying to make me good
ewan ko bakit bumabalik nanaman pgkanegative ko

Me: kaya gani

Him: i am this negative nung college
i mean much worst pa nga siguro

Me: alam ko naman
ur can achieve more
hay
kung nandyan ako
binatukan nakita
gahi ug ulo
:@
sige gawin mo na task mo
dyan

Him: ngee

Me: later na ulit tayo chat if ever interested ka

Him: batukan man gyud

Me: yup batukan
ana ka katanga man gud at times
at ana ka negative
pinapangunahan mo sarili mo
alam mo
di ka magsucceed ana

Him: haay
hala ka oi
makaguba man gyud ni ba sa akong utok

Me: hay alain
tsk tsk tsk

Him: kanina breakan mo ako... den ngaun babatukan mo ako
:(
deads na gyud ko
ani
negative pa gyud ko and di ko magsucceed
huhuhu


what do you think? did i do the right thing?