Posts
Thursday, November 29, 2007
warning emo post
When I woke up today I still felt numb by the events that happened yesterday. My sister woke me up and asked about the lomo camera. I did not want to wake up. My eyes were still heavy. I know my sister is very excited so I had to talk to her. I pointed out where the lomo cam was. Then I blurted out we broke up. Somehow reality sank in. A dark cloud surfaced and followed me all through out the day.
I know that will be fine but I can't help to be sad today. When I was on my way to work I was listening my ipod I stumbled into a song that somehow reflected what I felt. It was Madonna's The Power of Goodbye.
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus2:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
Right now I am still trying to figure out what to do next.
K made yesterday very special. He kissed me on my cheek and greeted me happy monthsary. Gave me my early birthday gift, treated me with coffee and pizza...then told me that can't give his commitment because he can't give his time. He broke up with me.
Maybe next month on the 28th I greet him Happy breaksary my non-bf.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Next week will be my birthday. So far I already got an early bday gift from my ex....(a long pause)
and i do not know what to say next.
I just received my early birthday gift. K gave me
a super sampler. I am very excited to take photos
and see the results. Well it make take a while
till I could post some pictures here but I
know it will be worth it.
Thanks K!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
deviantart
100 deviations
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behance
profile view 189
project views 257
appreciations 18
Sitepoint
entered three contest
one entry 4 stars
won -0
blogger
93 posts
Life
10 days till my birthday
4 months with K
25
While waiting for my Father to pick up at the office I tried experimenting with camera i borrowed from K. When I checked my photos I said to myself this looks like lomo camera pics with out the developing. I'll get my lomo camera soon so I will definitely post real lomo camera pics! For now enjoy the simulated ones. hehehehe
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Lately I received two very weird email. Its obviously scam mail! Read for yourself.
(a letter from a princess)
Well, my father died earlier seven months ago and left I behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over eighteen years before his death. I was a princess to him and I am the only child and the only person who can take care of his wealth now because my mother died fourteen years ago during the birth of my only brother Jallow who equally died after few hours he was delivered.
My father left the sum of USD,($7.8 M) (SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND US DOLLARS,)in a finance company. This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from Shell petroleum development company (spdc) and chevron oil company operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction.I don‘t know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father‘s kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my consent because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town.
I am ready to pay 20% of the total amount to you if you help me in this transaction and i have maped out 5% for any expencies that you may encounter during the transfer process,and another 10% interest of Annual Income to you for handling this transaction for me which you will strongly have absolute control over.
If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in transfering this fund to your bank account in your countryI want you to know much about me so that we can achieve this together.I will send my photographs and phone number as soon as i hear from you.
Yours sincerely,
(a business proposal)
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK (ADB),
OUAGADOUGOU , BURKINA FASO .
My Dear Friend,
How are you doing today? I will explain my self little to you before I continue. I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK (ADB).I am writing to seek your interest over a partnership business transaction.
In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $15m US dollars (FIFTEEN MILLIONS US DOLLARS). In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in November 2002 plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately I learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.
It is therefore upon this discovery that I and one other official in my department have decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go into the Bank's treasury as unclaimed Bill.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after seven years, the money will be transferred into the Bank's treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of a foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a citizen of our country cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.
We agree that 40 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 50 % would be for me and my colleague.
Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by email the format of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made by me and my colleague in the bank for the smooth and effective transfer of the money into your designated bank account that you provide.
You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately. Time is not a negligible factor in this business because we have limited time at our disposal.
Yours faithfully
Africa Development Bank (A.D.B)
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
With a Bored person like me I have line up of projects to fill up my time.
*Noted Events (days where I actually have to do something)
-11/17/07 Team Building
-11/26/07 Jessica's Birthday (I'm not really sure though...)
-11/30/07 Bonifacio Day (Maybe another long weekend)
-12/06/07 My Birthday (too bad it's a workday)
-12/25/07 Christmas (I don't know if I have break from work)
Project Name: 25
Deadline: End of the Year
Priority: High
This is a personal art project. I'm going to make 25 artworks.
Project Name: Updated Resume and Portfolio
Deadline: End of the Year
Priority: Medium
I have to update this to keep my options open....Never hurt to be ready.
Project Name: 3d Animation Project
Deadline: February 2008
Priority: Medium
This is long time due. I have to review what I have learned. I have no Sir Jherz to help me. Hopefully I could manage a couple of seconds of animation to qualify for a 3d project.
Project Name: Art Blog
Deadline: NA
Priority: Medium
I love blogging. I'm planning to earn from it. If I'm going to do any niche blogging I would definitely write about Art. I got to do tons of research for his. I need to buy a domain. Lastly figure out how I would make my blog.
Mga bagay na pagiipunan ko (Things I will save money for):
1. Nikon D40 -as i have research this is the most affordable digital SLR (its a Nikon pa!)
2. Computer Upgrade -If I want to do Maya I need a powerful PC
3. Lomo Camera
Hay napaka ambisyosa ko nu?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Here are my some pictures I took when I went to Ponce Suite.
i brought my wacom tablet to work so that i could work on my personal art while waiting for any tasks. I still did not have any task so i worked on my personal project and this fashion rev picture.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Photography by: Kenth Bajo
Photo manipulation by yours truly!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
it quarter to 3 a.m. I still awake.
My conversations with K are still echoing in my head.
K has helped me over come my depression and you know how? By not being there for me. I know it does not make sense. In the past I have been struggling with what seems an innate sadness. A lot of people has tried to help me. Instead in the end i just drove them away. I though that the cure for this sadness was unmatched love. It did not work. The more they showed their love, their sacrifices and their willingness to be there for it just made me more in denial. Their love feed my depression. I became addicted to being weak because they were there to fix my pain.
K never entertained my sadness. I was left alone but I was forced to face my fears. Tears had no longer meaning since I had no audience. I was sad and angry at K at first. I didn't know if he really wanted me or is he just using me. I got tired of all my bullshit. I learn not blame the world for unhappiness. I learned to keep silent and listen to my heart. All my fears, anxieties and my sorrow slowly stopped filling me head. Now I am learning to get to know myself.
This is not an over night process. I'm not still completely ok. But somehow I learned to be thankful of everything. I learned to make myself happy. I am more comfortable of who I am.
I have a long way to go but somehow I am in the right path.
I can't tell what the future holds for me and K. I stopped analyzing everything. I stopped expecting anything. For each day that I am alive I am thankful. I have my bad days at least now its tolerable.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
With no task and nothing else to do I made updates of my accounts in
coroflot
cpluv
I aslo uploaded photos in my friendster.
With two months till the end of the year I must finish the following
1. Update my resume and portfolio
even though I am not planning of applying somewhere else one must still be ready when the need arises!
2. Make a storyboard and a working schedule for my 3d project
this is long over due but better late that never
3. Have a Plan A Plan B...Plan N for the my next year
One should not be comfortable and contented in order to attain more in life
A friend of mine said to me that I must focus on one thing first before I move to another one. I know I have learned all this disciplines and not really mastered one but I am still trying out everything so that I will know what would suit me.
Disciplines that I have learned so far
Basic HTML and CSS
I am not really good at it yet...It's really a challenge for me! I want to give up any second but graphic artists today need to be knowledgeable in web
Photography
It's been a while since i dappled with this but I find it useful to integrate in my art. I'm not planning on making a living out of it.
Photo Manipulation
Im not a beginner but I am not also an expert. This is very useful for me though.
Vector Art
I find this art form very interesting. I 'm planning to integrate with other discipline
Layout
I do this for a living. Wish I could do more creative layouts
Fashion Design
its a hobby
Traditional arts (painting, drawing, etc.)
I can never let go of this. Even though digital is in demand but still Old school is better!
3d
This is very hard to master but I think the results are worth it
Motion Graphics
This is what I really want to do but with every thing I can not focus on this
I want to create a distinct style or art form that when one can easily identify. That is why I'm trying to learn everything to create something new! (ambisyosa!)
Monday, November 5, 2007
"it started out as a very fine day. I felt happy. It's been awhile since i felt that way.
Everything goes ok...well till
K singlehandedly ruined what could have been a fine day.
He brought me back to reality. How I am just pretending.
I have no task I want to go home."
That is my first post of this blog entry. A few minutes of trying to hold back the tears (somehow nahimasmasan na) I am going to rewrite this entry.
its true that earlier today i felt really blissful. It was a certain high that i felt like nothing will go wrong or no one could destroy my mood. I even wore yellow and white today. I feel good because I am excited to work again on my 3D project. I got tons of things I want to do. I was inspired. But one has to go to work to earn money (kahit papano). Fortunately I got only a few tasks so I easily finished the task.
Then I thought about K. I thought about how cool his day would have been since He rode a chopper and took aerial shots. Isn't that cool. I'm really proud of K. I even bragged to my officemate the music video he did for Fr. Alejo. I love listening to his stories of his work. He sounds so adult and in authority (Rawr). But last time i think he got pissed off at me because I text messaged him while he had a dinner meeting with the Mayor (Malay ko ba!). So at first I was hesitant to text message him. Since I want to share my happiness with him I bravely sent him a message. After exchange of pleasantries I learned that he is online. Because I really wanted to tell him how I am happy I am today I sent him a message through YM.
maybe he is busy... He said he will be offline soon. He will take a nap since he will be working again. He said that he does three jobs now video editing, photo coverage and research. Well I felt like he said that I have no time for your happy crappy shit. Let me be I'm busy. All of my happiness popped like a toy balloon. He is a very helpful guy. I have heard stories how he helps other people. How he gave them advice, how he was there for people who needed him. But he can never be there for me. He made it clear to me.
I feel like an outsider with him. He has this thick wall. All I could do is peek inside. I want to step inside that wall. I wish I am his barkada so I won't feel being left out most of the time.
I know I am holding on to something that is not there in the first place. So I know I cannot expect anything from him.
But he is perfect for me. Unattached, Career oriented, and an artist in his own right. I don't need a serious relationship right now. He is what I wished for a guy who is not so attached to me that one day if I have to leave it will not matter to him.
So I will make this resolution so that i will feel bad any longer. I will find happiness alone. I will focus on my career so that I will not think about him. I must find some cute good looking guy for a distraction...hehehe joke. I want to say in the end of the day I am happy not because of someone but because I solely earned my happiness. Right now I feel better.
Maybe I just needed to unload what I feel. hehehehe
K if ever you get to read this I want to say to you...even though you have a cool job, you have a hot career and friends you can hang around with I am still MUCH PRETTIER THAN YOU! hahaha joke. Basta darating din ang araw mamimis mo ako. hehehehehe :P
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Since its almost Christmas I am making my wish list.
This is my magazine wish list.
Clear
V
Nylon
TokionMusic
Flaunt
Fantasy & Sci Fi Digital Art
ImagineFX
3D
3d World
Graphic Arts
Computer arts
Beautiful/Decay
ArtForum
With my 25th birthday fast approaching and the year is ending I am currently evaluating what I have become. Thinking career wise I am still at a stump. I know that I am capable of doing more but I guess I am just too lazy to do anything.
I read this article from Behance "Beautiful/Decay: Disciplined Artistry" its about the creators of Beautiful/Decay a publications about art, fashion, design and culture. I only have one copy of this magazine since its very hard to find art magazines here in Davao but even with only a copy I truly love this publication.
Reading this article it dawned to me that I must change my ways. I must not just sit around and wait something happens to my career. I must be more aggressive. Unfortunately one of my pitfalls is that I have poor social skills. With my career choice one must have a lot of contacts. I on other hand has very very few to almost none.
I can't just suddenly stalk creative individuals in the planet. But I must find a way not to limit myself to my comfort zone. So before this year ends I must:
-evaluate my skills
-make a new portfolio and update my resume
-work on my social skills
-learn the necessary skills that I need in order to improve.
So far so good...hehehehe
Thursday, November 1, 2007
black nails and dark ribbons
cracked lips and tear dry eyes
when i woke up you are not there
a memory faded amongst the dust
a hundred what if's
and lifetime later
broken dreams
tormented souls
an unfulfilled promise
what have I become
a little prayer
a small wish
lay me to rest
one day
my days will be filled
my path will be blessed
some one will look me in the eye
with out saying anything
understood what is true in heart
I am always perceived as this Emotional freak.
When I get mad its emo, when I gush over cool art its emo, when I don't talk and just enjoy the silence its emo....
I know compared to other people I have a little bit sadness always looming over me.
I am this indifferent, detached and antisocial person that most of the time gets lost in a crowd.
I wish just maybe one they will stop judging me and pretending to know me.
sigh...
Can you just leave me alone in my darkness.
One month to go till my birthday. I am going to be 25 and when I look at my life I am still freaking dependent. My career is still on a very very slow pace. I do not have triumphs to celebrate.
I don't own a cell phone. I have lesser friends. My so called love life is almost over.
So why do I still want to celebrate my birthday?
Despite my age I am still young. I know I'm still earning less but no one starts at top. If I do my job well one day I will succeed. I do enjoy my work and I am not really in need of money right now. I know I have lesser friends but those friends I know are my true friends...but still I have to work on my social skills. hehehe. I am also at peace with my family. Somehow I am more open to my parents and I am there for my sister (sniff, sniff).
I don't have material vanities but right now I am giving importance to essentials. I guess I am really getting older because I see the world in a more positive way. Some people may perceive me as loser but I know I am still cool in my own way. hehehehe
Well about the love life thing..you can never tell. I am not giving up yet. wink wink.
So I will celebrate my birthday.
I am very thankful that I am still alive. I am doing my art even though I don't earn that much. I have my family there for me.
maybe being 25 will be lucky for me!
Friendster has been my source of latest news of my friends and acquaintances. I see who got married, got kids, who's going out with whom and what not. Lately I realized that I have not uploaded any photos. I used to be a camwhore but unfortunately I no longer own a digital camera so somehow my camwhoring days are over.
When I surf the friendster it makes me think how BORING my life is. I don't go out. I don't have events to go to. I don't have a hubby nor a child that I could upload gazillion pictures of them...ok ok I do have K but this is ironic the guy own two very cool digital SLR's and we don't have a single decent picture. I remember when I went to Jenny Epperson's house/studio when I was in college (it was for a close up billboard photo shoot). I saw their family album because Jenny's daughter showed it. It looked like your average family photo album. It wasn't even the fancy kind of album. When you inside all the pictures are beautiful. There is no tourist looking pictures (you know the kind where you huddle in groups, or stand in the middle of the picture). If you have a professional photography for a husband that won't be a surprise. If I were a professional photographer I would definitely have loads of pictures too of my family. (Anyways..I'm getting off the subject here).
Friendster is the camwhore's bestfriend.
Since my camwhoring days are over I decided to erase all my pictures in my friendster. I realized that my pictures where so outdated. I don't want to reminisce about past events so to turn a new page in my friendster I will update it with new set of pictures.
Well till I have a more exciting life my friendster will just show my baby picture hehehehe